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alenahra's Journal
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Date:2004-06-22 14:00
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Not even one cloud on (or in?) the sky today. I looked and I looked and didn't find one. Florianopolis' sky is completelly blue. Wonderful.

Have you heard about Florianopolis, Santa Catarina's capital? I heard on the radio yesterday: it is, with Palma de Mallorca and Miami, the best place to retire. Lots of retirees, not only brazilians, are choosing Florianopolis to live their full of money out of stress life. And that's why us, the empty of money that still need jobs, can no longer afford life here...

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Date:2004-06-21 17:41
Subject:going away
Security:Public

I write better in portuguese nowadays. I can really feel the diference between my posts now and those from when I first joined LJ. I had just come back from the US, my english was fresh. Now, even though I speak english with Mike, we have started speaking more portuguese. I have lost some of the english I had...

Buuuut, it seemed somehow more appropriated to post this here instead of there. Because this post is about going away, and it is how all this junglegirl LJ started, with me coming back from Hawaii after a few years. Now I go again, and will train my english and write better.

And maybe I will see some of you? Maybe.

I hadn't realized I am really going. But this weekend the friend that's staying over our house, housesitting, came to spend the weekend, and we went over the things that have to be done, the house routine, etc.

I don't like to be all sad and negative all the time, and I wasn't like that before. Maybe that's why I stopped posting for a (long) while. When I realized I didn't have anything good to say, I felt it was better to shut up.

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Date:2004-06-15 04:51
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Yes, yesterday was my birthday. The party was saturday. My grandparents came visit, it was the first time they came to our new house. They loved it! And I loved to have tehm there. They are two really nice "velhinhos", 81 and 84 years old, I I grew up very close to them. I'm glad they saw the place before I leave to Hawaii again. Grandma liked the pasture, the birds and the cows feeding on the lot next to the house.
The party had peanuts, quentão, pinhão (winter foods, eaten during the "june parties". Quentão is a hot beverage with red wine, cachaça and spices. Pinhão is the fruit of a species of pine tree called araucaria), peanuts, "brigadeiro", chocolate cake. 35 little candles and balloons! The older I get, the more childish. I guess is a reaction against getting old...
And yesterday Mike came to the city with me and we had pizza for lunch and then spent hours waiting on the line at the airline company. We bought his ticket (to be paid on the credit card in ten times...). Happy-sad feelings. Then we went to see beautiful views and then to the movies, to see The Motorcicles Diaries, about young Che Guevara. We ended the night arguing about politics...
It was a good day!

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Date:2004-06-15 04:30
Subject:
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How cool is that pool? Chuckvideo made it for me. Thanks!

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Date:2004-06-15 04:26
Subject:
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<img src="http://us.f2.yahoofs.com/users/40cf10b5_2a6f/bc/Mail+Attachments/__sr_/8876.jpg?ph8WxzAB1.7r.ajs"</img>

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Date:2004-06-09 12:57
Subject:
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Can somebody explain to me why everybody wants a gmail account?

http://www.livejournal.com/users/pjammer/2004/06/08/

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Date:2004-06-08 10:41
Subject:
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Oh, Jeeeesus. I should be doing so many things, specially studying. But here I am, orkuting and reading friend's journals.

I just took a chemistry test. I was supposed to get there early, to sit behind a girl who was going to give me the answers. But last night I had beers and this morning I got up late and decided a shower was needed. So when I finally get to class the place behind the intelligent girl was taken. Needless to say, I didn't do very well. And I have tons of papers to write and I can't do shit but play on the net. It shows my confusion. For those that read in portuguese, my other journal has a tread of posts about how inadequate I have been feeling in school. I want to learn. I go to classes. I don't know what's going on. Somewhere in between the teacher and my brains, the information is lost. So I get all angry at being dumb, which I can proudly say I have never previously been, and drink.

We are going back to the US for a while. Mike leaves in about a month and I'm going in august.

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Date:2004-05-30 11:35
Subject:a punk song
Security:Public

I am writing a punk song. So far I have:

I love punk kids
I fuck punk dudes
As long as they
play their music alone
and turn it off when I get home


**********

The need for that song came when I was wondering why I am so attracted to punksters. They usually don't have money, which is necessary to buy wine and good food, which are things I like and which they also don't care about. And they play obnoxious music. I think they are silly. So, why in hell do I feel attracted to them? To the point of having married one?

**********

It is not working to try to have two journals. I'm writing more in portuguese, on the other one.

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Date:2004-05-19 21:30
Subject:gmail account
Security:Public

I've found out that invitations for Gmail, Google's new web mail service, are being sold on e-bay for up to U$40. The thing is on its beta version and you can only sign up if you get invited. I don't know why people would pay for something that's free and will be open to join someday soon.

Well, that said, now the catch. I DO have a gmail account and therefore I am entitled to invite three more people to join. Anybody interested? We can negociate...

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Date:2004-05-17 19:32
Subject:
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dear friends
I am currently under a mountain of things to do and to study. I won't be coming here, reading you ou commenting for the next week (as I already haven't been here for the previou one or two). I'll cacth up as soon as this madness gives me a break. Until then, I hug you all.

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Date:2004-05-06 10:17
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Pietro is trying to inspire me with links about world changes etc. I was thinking about that, about why he feels the need to do that, and obviously it has to do with me saying that I am uninspired workwise and moneywise. So far the links I’ve seen talk about building community and having a sustainable life, things that I supposedly like and want to bring forth in my life. But something it’s failing to hit the point, and that’s making me think a lot.

When I started LJ, I was coming back from four years of wanderings between the US and Brasil, two of them living on Kauai, Hawaii. Kauai is a very special place, a tiny island in the middle of the ocean. The energy is strong there, and one feels specially the calling of the land – the Aina, the Earth. This has the power to transform many people’s lifes, and the changes are seen in the realm of spirituality. Besides, people on Kauai are happy, friendly, helping, loving. They treat each other with respect, there’s always a smile even for strangers. People on Kauai are of a rare kind, a type that is not widely seen anywhere else in the world (at least not in the big cities where I have been). The nature there is awesome, with the tall volcanic mountains, lush forests, clear ocean and thousands of water creatures (once I was swimming and felt a presence on my side. It was a huge turtle accompanying me).

What that mix did to me was an opening of my heart. I started feeling “connected” in all senses. It brought deep healing in the emotional level and an awakening for god/goddess/spirit/universe – things that I had long forgotten.

That was me when I came back to Brasil. Feeling connected to the Universe, wanting to work with spirituality, wanting to DO SOMETHING. To help people get connected in the spiritual sense and to live a sustainable life. I remember a conversation that I had with my ex-boyfriend, who lived in NY, where I stopped by before taking the plane to Brasil. I was saying how I imagined food gardens all over Brasil’s slums, which would help increase the sustainability of communities and help to empower people and help the problem of lack of food. He was pretty much laughing at me, saying that nothing would help, that people would not be interested, that it wouldn’t work. I remember how mad at him I got…

Then I got a job in São Paulo, to work with internet and spirituality, the two exact things I wanted. I remember giving thanks, so grateful to the Universe for the opportunity provided, for the exact manifestation of my vision. My job was to build the website for the oldest “esoteric” brasilian magazine. The only problem was that I had to live in SP, where I didn’t want to be.

What happened these three years that I lived there has changed my life again, and for the worse. The web site grew and took another direction. We needed “hits”, page views, and I had to start doing things that I despised. Popular things to attract the masses. Yeah, yeah, that’s how mainstream press works, being a magazine, a paper or a site. You have to create content to sell. I started growing more and more cynical. The big city oppressed me, and became depressed. There was a point, finely marked, where I completely lost my innocence. (It was around here and here and here).

There was a hallmark. I don't remember what triggered the spirutual crisis exactly. But there was a point where I ceased to care. Sustainability, world changes, whatever. I got so tired and disappointed that I didn’t think it was possible. Not in this world, not in this lifetime, not with these people (including me). For me, the important thing then was to save myself, period. As we say in Brasil, I threw the towel. I was sick and needed salvation. The world can wait.
That’s when I quit my job and moved to the south and started studying agriculture. These were all plans from the past, from a past when I still believed.

And now we catch up at where we started this post. I am no longer the “Happy Hippie” that I was when I started this LJ. That’s really bad, and it accounts for the sense of something failing to hit the point that I have when researching Pietro’s links. I, once, believed in all that. Now I’m no loner sure. The other day I was at a class where the teacher teaches basically composting and urban food gardens. Which exactly matches my vision that was dissed by the ex-boyfriend in NY. The teacher spoke and spoke, the students were all enthusiastic, and I fell silent in one corner, thinking. “I lack the innocence for that”, I thought. I’m no longer young like these people. I have seen life outside, in the capitalist jungle. I think the world is wrong, very very very wrong. Do I have the capacity to change it? No, I don’t. I have become cynical. I have become one of them! Jesus, how horrible!

But please, Pietro, don’t give up on me. Nowadays I need to make a living. I still need to save myself. I have always been a hermit (taro card 9), never one that adapts well living with a bunch of people. So in this I still believe: in the individual revolution. In fact, this is the thing I most believed my whole life: the power of individual changes, how a single person can make a difference. Maybe we can’t change the world, but we can change ourselves. And if I hold that truth long enough, I might be able to start believing in the rest again. I am no longer a “Happy Hippie” and maybe that’s not that bad. And maybe some cynicism is needed. And maybe I will be able to make a living ethically, the way I always wanted. (And still have the dough to travel and drink good wines – ok, made from organic grapes produced by fair trade methods by happy people).

Love.

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Date:2004-05-05 21:28
Subject:One mistake
Security:Public

I have built a house where I shouldn’t have. It’s a marsh, here. Not a place for houses, but for marsh fauna and flora. But then somebody bought it and parceled it, and sold it. And we people built in it.
Now I know that was one of the biggest mistakes. First because I thought of myself as an environmentalist, and these kind of people don’t build houses on top of fragile ecosystems. And second because the house is so near a very wet area that it may flood some day.
And this day might be closer than we imagined! It’s been raining here for three days, the creek where the water escapes passes right in front of the house, and it is getting full. I don’t think it will actually enter the house, but it certainly makes me think a lot about what we have done.
Perhaps the mistake was made years ago, when I bought the land without bringing anybody more knowledgeable here to see it. Anybody would have told me that this land is unsuited for building.
Mea culpa, mea culpa. Now I have a house that might flood, because it is in a place it shouldn’t be. There are also other problems, all related to the inadequacy of the place for housing.
But what can I do? For now, I can try not to repeat the same mistakes.

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Date:2004-05-02 09:59
Subject:expatriates
Security:Public

What we are feeling is a deep sadness at finally realizing that we have been deceived by what was supposed to be our great parents: our countries.
I listen to Tom Waits with Allen Ginsberg doing the poem America, and realize that what I feel has been felt before. The past generations, however, hadn’t completely lost their hope. America was still a place of dreams coming true.
Now we seat here, Mike and I, he north-american, me brazilian, and we just don’t know where to go next. As if our parents had died, or finally expelled us from the house forever. But we are no longer kids, we should be able to walk with our own legs and brains. Only we don’t seem to find the road, or the map to travel.
Brazil is lost, I fear. And I lack the innocence to stay and fight. When capable fit educated degreed healthy people cannot get decent jobs, in a work system that sucks the best of people 8 hours a day, 5 days a week (minimum) for a salary of, if one is lucky, around US$ 350 a month (my time is worth way more than that, thank you), where do we run to? We run to other country, I’m sorry. In our case we run to the United States, Mike’s country.
Only US has deceived its citizens as well. How can we agree with what’s going on over there? How can we feel safe to go there and be part of the work force with certainty we will make a decent living, both financially and ideologically? We can’t.
And here we stand, orphans of countries. Expatriates. Not knowing where to go or what to do next to live a full life.
I think of Walt Whitman. I wish I could, like he did, believe in America. (north and south).

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Date:2004-05-01 17:47
Subject:
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Things are getting complicated here. Moneywise. So I am ready to quit school for a while and - brrbbrbrrrrr - get a job! (NONONONONOOO!).
Yes. It seems I will have to get a job again. Me, that said never again wanted to have a boss. Bite my tongue.
So last week I went to a job interview to work on a cruise ship. But they didn't call me.
Maybe it was better that way.

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Date:2004-04-28 15:40
Subject:I am back
Security:Public

Simple as that.

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Date:2002-10-28 10:26
Subject:Changing
Security:Public

I want to change my life, but they won't let me.
They, the moving company. They are a day and a few hours late.

Now they have gotten here, dropped a few boxes and no tape and no bubble plastic, and asked ME to box everything, that is, to do the job that I'm paying them to do, while they go deliver other things to other people. Fuck. This is giving me a chance to cancel everything and look for another moving company, and I think that's exactly what I will do.

************

Talking about changes, yesterday Brasil elected the first left wing president in history. This is the 4th president elected by the people since the end of military dictatorship. Luis Inácio Lula da Silva was a poor metal worker that migrated from the miserable northeast to São Paulo with his family when he was a kid. He doesn't have a finger, lost working at the factory. He founded Partido dos Trabalhadores, the worker party, and doesn't have a college degree. He has run for presidency four times, with a progressive increase of votings each time. He became very "light" left for this elections, in order to gain more votes. He made alliances with the right, but definetely still is a leftist politician, the first one that will occupy the presidency. And he still scared the rich, the market, the bankers, the neo liberals that want things to stay the way they are. But the people want change, and this time he won the elections. Democracy is Brasil is growing, although maybe artificially: voting is mandatory. However, one can see people's political conscience growing. This time, a lot of old rightist populist politicians that were in power for ages, have lost their positions. Brasilian people want changes, and they know that the neo liberalism didn't bring them. They want equality, social justice, education and jobs for all, not just for a few.

************

In Brasil, the richest 1% of the population make monthly the same amount that the poorest 50% make. Someday that has to change, and the population is realizing that more of the same - i.e., the same kind of politicians that have always been in power - won't make the necessary changes. People are very hopefull that Lula will change things. On a personal level, that's the first time that a candidate that I vote wins. I don't think one person can change radically and fast that which took decades to get to the point it is. In this aspect, I have always been an anarchist: I never believed much in elections, because I don't belive that politicians have the power to change things WITHOUT changing the siystem. The sistem is wrong, it won't be Lula that will make it all perfect. You could put God as president; without changing the sistem, not even him would be able to do much.

***************

But we shall see. Maybe the people that voted for LUla will get disapointed when they realize how little he can actually do right away. But at least it is the beggining of a change, from neo-liberalism that put or kept millions of people in misery, to a more socially concerned political direction. Like I said, people have HOPE. And that's why Lula was elected. Brasil has already tried everything, from the military and dictatorship to the right wingers and populists. We just haven't tried the left, which have always existed but was never in power, until now. This is the last thing to try, and I hope it works. If it doesn't, I don't know what else to go or do, and I will go back to my anarchism and stop voting again. Like me, a lot of people are believing in Lula's government.

**********

On a logistic note, is good to say that elections in Brasil are electronic. You vote on a machine. The elections ended at 5 PM. At 7 PM the votes started to be counted. By 10 PM, aproximatelly 90% of the votes had been counted, and we already knew who was our next president. Brasil might be a 3rd world country, but in matters of democratic technology, we are way better than some of the big ones from up north.

**********

Now I will go back to my moving. Like the country, personally I also need to change...

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Date:2002-10-22 10:07
Subject:I'm back to myself!
Security:Public

Hello, my LF friends!!!

I'm alive. Actually, more than ever.

I finally quit my job. After being diagnosed with chronic depression and rocks inside my belly (in a place near the liver that I don't know the name in english).

What attachment doesn't do to people... In my case, it was attachment to a salary. My job wasn't that bad, and the salary was good - but it wasn't for me. Afetr living in Hawaii, sleeping under the stars, running trails, being free, I moved to fucking São Paulo (no comments) and spent my days, long hours, inside a dark office, in front of a computer. Or in traffic.

I learned and loved internet life - but the geek lifestyle just isn't for me. It's got me. I got sick, unhappy, depressed. I knew I had to quit about a year and a half ago - but I was afraid of being poor. So I attached to the job and got even sicker.

Then it got to a point where it was either the job and the city or myself. I couldn't do any longer. So, after a 3 weeks vacation when I was myself, and I expanded, I had to go back to the dark office life (I'm not even going into the stuff I had to do lately at work, to which I didn't agree and even despised). And then, voila, I couldn't. I had to comprise my expanded self too much, every monday, to fit that job's mold. And after three weeks of being myself, I was just too expanded. I didn't fit my job anymore. Then, even before lunch, I went into my bosses room and quit. Simple like that. I worked for more a week and now here I am, starting a new business and moving to the south.

I will try very hard to never need a job like that anymore, and hopefully never get another boss. My business, where I do what I really want and like, is called LAVALMA (lava=wash, alma=soul). I'm starting with handmade natural soaps, and then I will go into the natural cosmetics. I'm also going back to university, to study agronomy, sustainable food sistems and permaculture.

Imagine there is a Y. This Y is my path. I was going through one side of the Y. But it wasn't going. It was as if the path was too narrow. I wasn't being able to go forward. I was feeling comprised. And it hurt. But I insisted, thinking that was the only way. Then one day I looked the other side realised the Y had two "legs". And I just turned and took the other leg of the Y. And then, the path was wide. It flows. I go. My life, now, is flowing. With the Universe. I took the path that was intended for me to take. I'm getting back to myself. Simple.

Some doctors want me to go to surgery to remove those rocks. Others want me to take prozac. As of right now, I'm not doing any of these things. First, I'm going to change my life, regain my health the natural way. I'm moving to the beach, where we are building a house. I will be an outdoors person again. I will run, surf, be naked under the sun, walk barefoot on the Earth. Plant, cook, love, study herbs and make soaps with essencial oils. I'm sure I will regain my health. And then, if I still need it, then I will do what the doctors suggest. But firts I will try the natural way, the path of internal healing.

I will be without a connection for a few weeks. But I'll get back to you, LJ friends. Some of you have been with me since the beggining of my internet life. I thank you for your being here.

Love love, hugs hugs. And light!

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Date:2002-06-22 10:08
Subject:
Security:Public

And here, more bodyboarding pictures...

Read more...Collapse )

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Date:2002-06-22 10:07
Subject:
Security:Public

And this is my dog, Java, who's in Heaven of Dogs:

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Date:2002-06-22 09:42
Subject:how to do pictures
Security:Public

It seems I learned.

This is a shrine in my house.


more pictures: birthday party, flowers, fireCollapse )

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